Fernanda Lima and other (non) important things

by João Lobo Monteiro

My purpose was to write about the World Cup draw. But then I thought: “The draw was on Friday, I’m writing this on Wednesday and people don’t want to know about the draw anymore”. So, instead of writing about the draw itself, I’m going to write about the most important thing this draw gave to the world: Fernanda Lima. And then, I will deify Ronaldo and write about the group stage, focusing on my country, Portugal. 

Fernanda Lima hit gold on Friday. Nobody (except Brazilians, perverts or people who watch soap operas, like me) knew her, but now she is going to host the FIFA Ballon D’Or ceremony, on January 13th. Sepp Blatter is a drunken and corrupt guy – and he might well be in the class of perverts up there -, but I appreciate this decision. Well done, Mr. Blatter! Now, go home.

The hostess (and hottest girl on stage, forget about Dilma) was the leading figure of the draw for, I think, all men (except for Iranian guys). With her on stage, we forgot about the draw itself. “My country is going to play against who? Where? What am I looking at?” And yes, all because of the cleavage. Don’t be mad or jealous, girls. Keep calm. Men, you keep calm too. She will be back in January.

Who’s a naughty girl? You are are. Yes, you are. Credits: AFP/Nelson Almeida

Who’s a naughty girl? You are are. Yes, you are.
Credits: AFP/Nelson Almeida

Now that we talked about the balls, let’s talk about football. I will start with Group G, the group of Portugal, Ghana and other 2 unknown countries – yeah, USA and Germany. And Portugal is going to win the whole thing: group stage, last 16 against Russia (or “Irina Shayk’s country”, as CR7 calls it), quarter-finals with Argentina (or “little guy’s country”, as the Almighty says), semi-finals against Spain (or “that place next to Portugal where I live”, as Ronaldo names it) and, then, Maracanazo part 2, with Brazil. All because the Portuguese have the greatest player in the world: Éder. And they have Ronaldo too.

Seriously, I truly believe that the Portuguese can do something unexpected. History shows that Portugal prefers tough group stages than easier groups. In 2002, they played against the USA, Poland and South Korea. In the team were Figo, Rui Costa, João Pinto, Pauleta… and they were eliminated. So, I’m confident. Very confident. Maybe Blatter doesn’t want Portugal to go further. We know he loves CR7 and Portugal. That makes the team even stronger. You’ll suck it, Sepp. Yes, you will.

Blatter’s look-alike by Ronaldo. Credits: telegraph.co.uk

Blatter’s look-alike by Ronaldo. Credits: telegraph.co.uk

And talking about the devil: how lucky were Messi’s Argentina and Platini’s France (and Blatter’s Switzerland)? The Argentinians have a good group, I think, with Bosnia and Herzegovina, Nigeria and Iran. They won’t be traveling far either, as Rio de Janeiro, Belo Horizonte and Porto Alegre are close to Argentina and close to each other. They will play at home, we can say. And France, again, has benefited. Switzerland, Ecuador and Honduras? What’s that? Anyway, I hope they get eliminated at the group stage. I don’t like France. Sorry. And I don’t like Germany. But Ronaldo will deal with the Germans.

Brazil also has a sweet group and will easily go through, like Croatia. But they will face Group B’s Spain, Netherlands or even Chile (next to Portugal and Belgium, Chile might be the big surprise of this World Cup) right in the round of 16. Like Group B, Group D is the so-called “Group of Death”, with three World Champions – England, Uruguay and Italy – and also Costa Rica. I think that Squadra Azzurra and the Uruguaian teams will pass this group stage. We never know what Italy can do, but we can expect the best. And Uruguay has Cavani and Suárez, they have to be favorites. Anyway, the English Team will fight for a ticket to the last 16.

Group C will be very balanced and anyone can go through. I think Colombia is the favorite team, as they have a very powerful attack but some problems on the defense. Ivory Coast, Greece and Japan will discuss the other place. Finally, Belgium will dominate the group H and, probably, dominate other stages. But big expectations may lead to big disappointments: Watch out, Belgians! Russia won’t have any problem to also reach the round of 16, but then they will lose against Portugal.

These are my predictions. Save this text and read it on July 13th, after you watch Cristiano Ronaldo raising the cup at the presidential tribune of Maracanã. And don’t forget to look at the sick face of Sepp Blatter when he gives the cup to CR7.

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